Posts tagged understanding others
The make up of a modern day coach
Jan 26th
How’s the view from where you are?
Oct 30th
“All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions.” ~ Leonardo Da Vinci
A few days ago I was listening to a radio phone in, as a friend of mine had been invited on to discuss the latest research which suggested that men are quicker to say “I love you” to a new partner than women were. Before my friend (www.glow-coaching.co.uk ) was interviewed the presenter spoke to a pyschologist who declared that those men who did say “I love you” first were likely to have done so as their goal was to have sex, and they knew that women were more likely to agree upon receiving this message.
However this would not apply to women who said it first as they had different emotional needs and would say it for different reasons. The research from the study has a number of interpretations and it has been interesting to read the different views people have on the findings of the various studies on the subject.
These views are usually formed by our own experiences and they then tend to dictate how we react to different situations. For example if you are in a relationship and your partner has declared their love for you, how did you react when they first told you?
Did you make the assumption as the psychologist suggests that they were after “something”?
If you were the first to say it, how did you expect/hope your partner to react?
When working with people on their communication skills, be they leaders, sales people, people wanting career coaching or dating advice etc, one of the key areas to discuss and consider is how the person/group you are communicating with might feel and react to the message you are giving.
Too often people will make the assumption that the people they are communicating with will have exactly the same view of the situation as them, and they will fail to consider how else they could feel about and interpret a situation. Being able to walk in another persons shoes for a while is a great asset to have in effective communication.
As an example to demonstrate this let’s assume you have a situation you are trying to resolve with a member of your team.
A simple and effective way to come up with a potential solution that will suit everyone is to put three chairs in a triangle, facing each other. Sit in the first chair and describe how you feel about the situation, what you think the issues and potential solutions are and so on.
Then move to the second chair and imagine you are the other individual. Then you need to describe how you, as the other person, thinks and feels about the situation. The challenge with this is “staying in character” and making sure you are expressing what you believe the other person will be thinking and how they are viewing the situation.
Having done this, move to the third chair. The movement between chairs is important as the physical act of changing chairs helps you take on the new thought processes. In the third chair you are playing the role of an objective observer and in this role you need to give some objective advice on what you see and what needs to be considered.
Sound crazy? 
Try it, you will be surprised how effective it can be!
The starting point is to remember that everyone has a different view of the world, and it won’t be the same as yours.
If you can catch a glimpse of their view you are in a far better position to achieve a successful outcome to any communication you engage in, even winning the affections of your partner!
What can you see here?
A young woman?
An old Lady?
Or both?
“The funny thing is, people’s perceptions of what a song is about is
usually wrong a majority of the time. But they’re still going to read what they
want to into it. ~ Vince Gill
post script…..
Jimmy Savile, who passed away this week, expressed the importance of considering others point of view when asked some years ago about his show, Jim’ll fix it;
“I never to this day, had a favourite Fix it, because I never looked at it from my point of view. For most of them, that was the biggest thing that ever happened in their lives at that time, so they were all favourites”.
RIP Jimmy.
Have you got the whole picture?
Dec 17th
What we think we see or hear isn’t necessarily the reality. Everyone has a different map of the world and will interpret what we say or what they see in a way that conforms to their perception of reality. This is an important factor to remember when we are managing teams and individuals.
I was running a coaching session with a management team earlier this week and we had a great example of this. One of the managers was having problems with one of their team, their work had become sloppy and they were being disruptive and it was having an effect on others in the department. It was only when the manager sat down with the individual that it came to light that factors outside work were the cause of the issues at work rather than it being purely work related. Finding this out put a completely different slant on the situation and resulted in the manager handling the matter in a completely different way.
The following video is an old advert for The Guardian which sums up the need to consider all angles before coming to a conclusion really well:
This also works from the other end of the telescope. As a manager we need to think about how what we say can possibly be interpreted. The manager of Liverpool, Roy Hodgson, is coming under increasing scrutiny for some of the comments he makes in interviews and press conferences. He is alienating the vast majority of the Liverpool fan base with comments such as this following the defeat against closest rivals Everton:
“We didn’t score goals and Everton did but I refuse to accept that we were in any way outplayed or any way inferior. I watched the performance and the second half was as good as I saw a Liverpool team play under my management that is for sure.”
I have no doubt that Roy was trying to display an attitude of defiance, we will not let this result hold us back, we are on an upward spiral etc. Unfortunately this back fired as Liverpool fans had watched an insipid display by their team against their bitter rivals and his comments came on top of other comments from him describing a Liverpool win at Goodison as being “Utopia”. Bearing in mind that in recent seasons Liverpool have had an extremely good record against Everton, his choice of language created the impression of someone who didn’t expect to win, someone who doesn’t have the belief and level of ambition expected of a Liverpool manager. He is creating problems for himself by not thinking through how his comments can be interpreted by those listening and reading. He is saying one thing and others are seeing something completely different. Perhaps he could do with some coaching?
It’s like the dancer below, you may want to see her moving in a clockwise direction, but in reality is she really moving anti-clockwise?
Can you change your perception and get her to change direction?
Understanding your impact on others….
Nov 12th
A friend of mine has a daughter who has just joined a new school. She wants to be a civil engineer and is taking Further Maths at A level to help her achieve that goal. She is a very bright girl but has started a month after the others in class, so is currently trying to catch up.
Her teacher took her to one side last week and asked her if she really wanted to do Further Maths as she was holding the others back and therefore might be better suited to another maths course…..
The effect was to completely shatter the girl’s confidence and has resulted in the Headmaster becoming involved to try and sort the situation out. The teacher’s intentions were to try and do the best for the pupil but her choice of language, to “blame” her for holding back the rest of the class, has had completely the opposite effect.
Thankfully one to one tutoring sessions have been put in place to help her catch up with the rest of the group and her goal remains intact.
This is just one small example of how much impact we can have on others through our approach and choice of language. One of my son’s teachers is proud of her “tough teacher” reputation at school and is pleased to be told that pupils are afraid of her.
She is very good at finding fault with his work and doesn’t appear to believe that children learn better when given suitable praise and recognition. Her opening gambit to us at a recent Parents evening was “Well of course, English isn’t his best subject is it….” and then proceeded to give us all the reasons why this was the case. When I suggested that she was essentially saying that he was poor at English (like his father!), she said “Oh no, he’s absolutely fine, there is nothing for you to worry about at all.”
We also queried the fact that he didn’t appear to be learning anything in his Spanish lessons; she suggested that if we wanted him to learn Spanish we should take him to Spain on holiday! I would like to think she was joking, but there was nothing else in her demeanour to suggest this was the case.
I don’t believe for one second that her intention is to criticise and would no doubt be horrified to think she was having such a negative impact on the children she teaches.
I was doing some work last week about emotional intelligence and the importance of not only understanding our own emotions and how to manage them, but also how much more you can achieve by improving our understanding of others and the impact we can have on them through our actions and behaviours. I think there are some teachers out there that would benefit from working on their emotional intelligence!
There are some fantastic teachers out there, so why not share with us your best and worst stories? Post a comment now to tell us about those that inspired you.
